I have been taking a few accredited autism self-assessments. It was recommended to me as a great place to start to gain an understanding of typical functioning versus atypical. So that I can start getting familiar with my profile and start making life easier through knowing where I need support and where I’m doing okay. I’ve taken a couple of these assessments through embrace-autism.com… but this one was shockingly good. Like if there was an assessment to perfectly highlight who I was as a human… this would be it. The good, the bad and the ugly… all on this paper. I’ve gone back-and-forth on whether to share this because honestly, it does hold information that maybe I wouldn’t want the world to know about me. Places I’m embarrassed to share. I wrote all these notes as I went through the test scores. There are 10 different scores (one for each of the five sections, including a typical assessment and atypical assessments of each section). Here are a few things that came out for me.
First off, I laughed when I saw the 100% probability of being atypical… not at all surprising and actually just validating that I am so neurodiverse that at this point its blatantly obvious… and did you know that would make it a fact because anything blatantly obvious is considered a fact… then I think and say shit like that and of course I’m fucking autistic. Not even a .01% chance I’m not, I’m in there and I’m in there deep 🤣
I’ve had a really good mask most of my life, but I think people would not recognize me to see me alone in my own space. Or even just watch me stand there and rock in the line of a grocery store. Gosh, how the fuck did I miss this? 🙄
I loved the atypical talent part, the themes of this one matches every skill test I’ve ever taken. Pattern recognition is my greatest strength. It also encompasses my deep spiritual connection/beliefs, which I didn’t expect. It was also the piece of the tests that linked to autism. 9.6 out of 10.
I’ve already been diagnosed with ADHD, but for years I have felt like I was also dyslexic. It’s a daily theme in my life to battle this. It was interesting to see that come out in the typical talent section, as often occurring with a low score. Like a 2.0 out of 10. More validation for what I have known to be true. I just brought this up to my doctor during the ASD conversation because I was already positive, I was dyslexic.
Or that the only typical skill I held as average was perception, actually it was slightly above average, which was not shocking at all. This was survival for a long time, being able to read people to figure out how I need to behave in accordance. I will know someone is upset before they even know they are upset. Like if that changes just a degree or two, I have it pegged and am already doing the spin of figuring out what it means.
But not only do I have a bit above an average score on perception in the typical range, but I also have a very very above average perception in the atypical range. This is my sensitivity and my sentient abilities, which happens to be my greatest psychic ability. I just feel everything, so much so that I struggle with hypersensitivity. It’s probably one of the biggest impacts on my daily life. I feel like I’m always on the verge of tipping over the edge. Things like when I’m driving and I don’t know where I am or something starts to make me feel overwhelmed, I immediately have to turn the music off and nobody can talk to me. I just need everything inside the car to stop and I have no capacity for anything else other than figuring out my stability again, or I will have a meltdown. Embarrassing to admit that, but how could I be any different when my atypical perception skills are maxed out. When I am in overwhelm, I need everything to stop. I will curl up in a ball… don’t look at me, don’t talk me, don’t touch me… don’t engage with me at all unless I am seeking something. I just need space to get myself back to grounded in my body and settled. It’s interesting that I also can’t maintain unhealthy relationships for the same reason. I can’t push past the uncomfortable feelings, so I need resolution in conflict. If we hit a subject where someone uses bypassing or avoidance, and would prefer we just move on without addressing that area… I will not settle in their presence, and it will become so uncomfortable in my body. I can’t settle without resolution, so without the opportunity to find that with someone, the only resolution I can control is the end of the relationship. What I’ve learned is that the majority of people in the world don’t resolve conflict and instead just bypass. This especially true in workplaces and social systems. I’ve been labeled an abandoner many times, but yet I’ve never actually abandoned anyone… I’m always open to the moving forward conversation, I just now have a boundary that we don’t move past that conversation without resolution. I feel like what is the point of having a relationship where I have to hide my feelings when that doesn’t leave me feeling emotionally fulfilled or connected. If we’re not really connected, then would we even have a relationship to lose?… for me it’s a no. Call me when you are ready to do that, otherwise I wish you luck on your journey ahead without me.
The gut punch for me was seeing the typical communication score. I’ve been taken advantage of, over and over and over again. This has been something so hard for me to deal with, so to see a .4 out of 10 showing an unawareness of people’s intentions, being misunderstood, being very literal, and missing people’s agendas… it was all there. I have basically no natural skill in this. I think I have gotten better at finding ways to compensate, but just in 2023 I found myself in a situation where I was assaulted by a person in a power position and tortured during an intimate moment without even realizing it. It felt weird and I sought help, but it was somebody else who had to tell me what was happening. Again, so embarrassing and shameful, but honestly part of what that number represents in my life. On my best day a .4 away from the lowest possible score. It’s so validating to see this, to let myself feel the full unweight of what this impairment has meant for me throughout this life. What I have endured because I have been literally the perfect victim. Most predators are praying to find someone like me, and I was just over here oblivious. I would openly trust and miss all the signal that something isn’t right until it’s too late. I’ve had a lot of too lates, some of them I don’t even think the average person could listen to without having a visceral reaction to it. I feel like I know this because I’m so hypersensitive that I know how you feel when I tell you what’s happened to me, I can feel it. To be honest, I have PTSD from this very piece, and I don’t have relationships or am not out in the world finding relationships because of this. My faith in myself was lost somewhere throughout the last couple years, so I haven’t wanted to meet any new people. I’ve been on this healing journey for the last 15 years, but no matter how far I made it through healing it was like this piece was not healing. But I had confused it for trauma, and thought I could heal my way out of it. But today came the awareness that it’s deeper. No amount of working through my trauma is going to rewire this part of my brain. It’s going to be a much bigger and different journey. So thankfully I have started with professionals to build healthy relationships, and then maybe one day I can figure out how to combat this so I can meet safe people in the real world. I now know that my healing journey is never going to lead me to a resolution in this area, and I’m going to need to revise my plan to find strategies that will help to keep me safe and protect this vulnerability. Part of me is so sad for my vulnerability and how people took advantage of me, but another part of me is actually fucking pissed off and wants to find justice for it all. I think back to all the moments where I wondered why these things kept happening to me… and I guess now I know. I didn’t stand a chance to fight against that.
It was such an interesting assessment. Everything I wrote on it was a validation to a core piece of my presentation. Wow is all I can say. I feel like every neurodivergent person should take this test. If you think you’re neurodivergent or maybe just want to see if you can gain a better understanding of yourself, it’s definitely worth taking it. It’s called the Aspie-Quiz. Obviously, this is not to bypass medical care, but this is an accredited assessment and a great tool for conversations with your medial team.
I feel like I cried for the first hour after I understood my results, and it’s probably going to take me a while to fully absorb, but I’m really thankful I did.